Have you ever caught yourself in middle of a heated discussion thinking, “last time I gave in... last time I compromised... now, it’s your turn to give in and compromise for me”?

Maybe it's about making a significant purchase, or who will give the kids a bath tonight, or perhaps it's about something you want to do, and he just isn't interested.

When you start to argue, you have a flashback of all the times you have compromised in your marriage, and you start to feel like its one-sided. Why do you always give-in and never him? Everyone told you the secret to marriage was a compromise, but apparently, your spouse didn't get the memo.

These moments leave you frustrated and confused. How can you be expected to continue compromising when you never get anything in return, isn’t compromise supposed to be a two-way street?

1. It’s a Trap

Oh, sister, I've fallen into this trap many times. The number one piece of advice we were given when we got engaged was to compromise in our relationship, and it would all work out. But all compromising did was leave me frustrated and a little resentful. My stubborn husband rarely compromised, what was I supposed to do?

I couldn’t bring it up to him. I tried talking to him about not compromising.... and well, that floated like a lead brick. I even tried to give up compromising so he would see what it felt like... didn’t work either. If anything both of those options had the opposite effect on our marriage.

That’s when I came realized what the problem was---the very act of compromising was the issue!

How often does a couple leave a compromise with both parties feeling happy at giving up what they wanted? Typically, someone leaves unhappy and with the unspoken expectation of reciprocity (aka he will compromise next time).

But (and this is a big BUT) when he doesn’t compromise the next time, you end up in the same situation I have found myself in time and time again. Some might think we aren’t doing it right, but I promise you, learning to compromise isn’t the issue. The issue is our hearts.

2. Compromise Places Value on Asserting your Own Preferences Rather Than your Marriage

Let’s truly consider why we are so adamant on having something done our way rather than his? Why are we so set on our own way when marriage is less about me and more about the both us of together?

Marriage is about two flesh becoming one. It’s about dying to our own selfish gains and living for something greater. Why didn’t anyone give me that advice when David and I got engaged? There is more to marriage than just making each other happy. As Gary Thomas put it, “What if God designed marriage to make us Holy more than to make us happy?”

Let me ask you another question—do you value your marriage more than you do asserting your own desires? This is what it comes down to.

For many, our hearts and desires naturally lean towards ways to serve ourselves rather than our spouses. When we get into situations where compromise seems like the only way, we end up bitter or resentful because compromise does not fulfill that personal want or desire. There is a heart issue behind compromise and that heart issue goes against what God has called for us.

In his book "Sacred Marriage," Gary Thomas also points out that the essence of Christianity is having a servant's heart. So in the middle of a disagreement, are we responding with a servant’s heart? Consider the following verse:

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:3-4

3. We are Called to Have a Servant’s Heart

We are called to have a servant's heart, and marriage is that opportunity for us develop it. This takes sacrifice. This means sacrificing our desires and our wants, for the sake of others (note that I did not say needs). And put bluntly, sacrifice isn’t sacrifice unless it costs us something. This is where compromises get it wrong! We compromise with the hopes and intentions of getting something in return. We sacrifice for the sake of our marriage, for our spouse and because we ultimately love our God more than we love our personal wants.

This reminds me of a sermon I sat through when I lived in Illinois from a guest pastor. I don't remember most of the sermon, but I remember one fundamental story he shared with us about him and his wife. This older gentleman shared how every morning, he and his wife would wake up, and they would make it their goal to out serve each other. Now, this wasn't done to gain power over the other but in a way to model Jesus’ servant heart. So he would try to wake up earlier than her every morning so he could make her coffee. It was little things like that that flourished into a marriage built upon servant hood. This story left me inspired; I just didn’t realize how difficult that would actually be.

4. Sacrifice Serves More Than Compromise Ever Could

Having a servant's heart in marriage looks different for every couple. For me, it looks like making the bed every morning because I know my husband likes when the bed is made (even though I think it’s useless most of the time). It looks like folding his clothes the way he prefers because his pants need to be folded in thirds, and his socks need to be balled up, regardless of how I prefer to fold my clothes. It looks like making sure the kitchen is tidy after dinner because he won't go to sleep until the sink is clean.

These items are not expectations that my husband has set upon me. These aren't necessarily chores that we've discussed either. Honestly, I am lucky in that if I don't do any of those things, I know David will, and he won't say anything to me about it. I do those things because I want to serve my husband in the way that I know he will receive it. These actions are one small way that I show how I value our marriage and our relationship over my own preferences, desires, and wishes.

The key is to do these things not out of selfish ambition, but out of the desire to serve, regardless of whether or not he will serve me back. We must do these things without expecting anything in return.